UnWritten

B(ack)Log!

2011-09-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hell Oh!

Its been exactly 2 years 5 days since i created this blog, and i have hardly scribbled 5 times..
N here i am again, checking it after an entire year.. The past year demands my apology, getting which is as rare as a nun in a bikini asking for a drink..

So I thought instead of writing down a few words and make another false promise of taking up this stuff seriously!
Incidentally, today is also the day I celebrate an year of mental agony ( some people refer to it as a Job! )
I think of raising a heartwarming toast to this occasion, but somehow fall short of words!
Signing off, with a small message for my not so beloved friend.

Dear Blog,

You suck!
Nobody reads you, not even me!
Suit up.

Sincerely
AbHi

P.S. No hard feelings!

The 5 Er.diots

2010-03-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

The previous night...

11:05 PM :

(call)

Er.diot B : oye kal kitne baje jana hai?
Er.M on flip side : jab tu kahe! 8.15 tak ghar aaja. Rest i'll confirm with Rasto.
Er.B : Ok. Msg maar dena.
Er.M : Sure!

(37 seconds and forgotten)

11:06 PM : facebook

........

11:55 PM : facebook

Next morning (lets call it the placement day...The reporting time at the venue read something like 8 AM)

7:00 AM (1 hour to deadline)

(call)

Er.B : han v uth gaya?
Er.M : han just.
Er.B : kab aaun, ab to bata de. tune msg nahi kia?
Er.M : O yar 'Rasto' ne fone nahi uthaya raat ko (safed jhuth!)
Er.B : ok. koi na, i'll b there by 8.30.
Er.M : Han han, aram se aa.

7:15 AM (45 minutes to already meaningless deadline)

(call)
Er.M : Han v darling. Uth gaya? 8.30 tak ready ho jana as decided.
Er.R : O yar. Thoda aur late chalte hain na. 9 baje tak. Aaram se.
Er.M : Yar raste mein bhi time lagega. Atleast gotta reach by 9.15.
Er.R : Chal theek hai. RDB ko kehta hu.

8:30 AM : (nothing happened)

8:40 AM : Er.B arrives. Leaves with Er.M for the other '3 Idiots'.

8:49 AM : All Idiots in place. Finally enroute Chitkara College of Engineering, Rajpura. Cruising at 60 kmph never felt better!

9:04 AM (Zirakpur lights)

Someone to everyone : O yaar due ko fone karo. Know the status!

9:06 AM (lets call this part "BEING IN TENSION")

Loud Voice : DUA KEH RAHA HAI 5-10 MINUTE MEIN START HO JAEGA.
Calm Voice of M : Arre han. Bas 10 minute mein hum bhi pahuch jaenge. Relax.

9.14 AM

Someone: Kitni der lagegi(?)
M again : Bas aane wala hoga. 5 min aur! (increases speed)

9:17 AM (frenzy)

where's this freakin college?

(dua ki call : oye examiner aa gaya hai. Its about to start. Jaldi aao. Some needless talk about roll nos. & rooms)

9.18 AM (110 kmph)

9.20 AM (120 kmph) Front passenger 'B' gets restless!

9.23 AM (135 kmph) A loud shriek is heard from the back seat.

Sweat all over. Prayers being offered. Buses swoosh by. Cop car in sight...n gone...

A feeble voice says "Bhai zinda pahuncha de, naukri toh fir le lenge!"

.....some explicit language details omitted for brevity and *censorship*......

9:26 AM

'M' loses patience : Saalon pehle aaye hue ho? Abe itni duur tha toh pehle batate. Mujhe laga pass mein hi hoga. Kisi aur se puchte hain!

9:28 AM

'B' to raah chalte Sardarji : Janab, Chitkara College kitna duur hai?

Sardar : Bas *** km aage.

OK. Thank You.

......

Wait? Was that 'aadha' km aage ya 'aath' km aage? Dude, did u even listen to d surd?

B : Whatever! Aage hi hai na. We'll manage.

9.32 AM (4 km later!)

B : Oye aane wala hai. Location yaad si aa rahi hai!

Everyone : FUCK YOU !!!!!

9.34 AM (holy gates!)

(But we're happy the surd was wrong anyhow. Na aadha na aath!)

M : Niklo Saalon. Samaan uthao te pajjo. Rukna ni hun.

OKAY. Enough with the timeframe and all the bullshit storyboard script. Getting real.

CHARACTERS:

The 5 Er.diots(who thought they were dudes!) namely,

Abhi M. aka Er.M aka Pani
Sahil B. aka Er.B aka Balls
Arpit R. aka Er.R aka Rasto aka Darling
Anshul G. aka RDB
Kartik S. aka KT

PLOT:

So, the dudes were to go for a placement drive of "A BPO company which magically, also develops softwares!" and each had his own reason.

Rasto n KT desperately need a JOB and are yet to get off d mark ;

Balls just wants another high paying job before he dumps it to go to a PHOREN UNIVERSITY in a couple of month;

RDB was there to "MERELY HELP RASTO" get the job (doubts his ability!) ;

and PANI was there just to face a TECHNICAL paper and interview since he hadn't faced any before! (lucky to get away facing only HR's)

So it was planned. Help Rasto in the first place. KT can n will make it on his own. And placement was on. Beer will flow for sure this time.

Armed with prior knowledge of such events, each of the five knew nothing was gonna start before 10. So why hurry! Aram se chalenge!! Wahan velle tent mein baithne thodi ja rahe hain!!!

Unfortunately or fortunately, nothing of that sort happened!

Girte padte sambhalte, as we reached the Main block at 9.40 AM, we realised the arrangement was perfect, and professional. N we never realised everything was gonna be crazy that day.

First, we all had a HALL TICKET with a registration number and a pre-defined sitting order, in different rooms. So sitting with and around Rasto was out of question. Poor guy was left to do it on his own. So be it, we said as we rushed to find our rooms. (KLPD 1)

The De-Morgan Block / THE BALLS BLOCK

Balls went running inside, while we ran outside, finding our respective blocks!

The Newton Block / remains THE NEWTON BLOCK

Some Other Block / The FANTASTIC FOUR block

Oops, KT lost his wallet a day before (where else than FR, the DHILLON block!) and...

No wallet = No ID

No ID = No Entry

No Entry = Screwed!

(KLPD 2)

Paying our condolences to KT hurriedly, the remaining 3 carried on, while he was left behind waiting & sulking.

Me : LH3 LH3 where is LH3. Wait, it was LH2.
Oh, just passed LH6. Wonder where is LH2.

I can only see LH1 and the toilet besides. Is that the LH2? 
Noooooo...think think...

Uncle LH2 kahan hai?
Pata nahi beta, main to doodhwala hu!

I saw Rasto getting to his room and go in. All the best, i shouted, unheard!

Abe mera room kahan hai sala? 9.45 ho gaye hain. bc LH2 banana bhool gaye kya? Likha kyu hai?

Just then i saw RDB walk down calm n composed..

Me: Kya hua bhai? Tera bhi nahi mila?
RDB: Kya? Mera mere pass hai!
Me: Abe wo nahin sale. ROOM. ROOOOOMM!!
RDB: I'm not sitting for the test. Rasto is in a different room, so there's no point.
Me: De to de yar. Technical test hai.
RDB : Arre Infy hai na yar apni. Chhad tu bhi na de. Infy me hi jana hai tune bhi toh.
Me: Yar thats not the point. Atleast give the test if you've come this far.
RDB : Nahh. You go ahead. I'll keep company with KT(with a kamini smile!).
Me: Abe sale sab ladkian bhi paper hi de rahi hongi. Koi dekhne ko nahi milegi.
RDB : Jaa na..late nahi ho raha?

Finally a staff member appeared. "Sir, where is LH2, if any?", i asked.

"Go this side. There's a door midway through the building. LH2 is inside."

Thanks, i said, as i ran to find a door.

MIL GAYA!

N i was in LH2. The paper started at 10. Cursing Dua and his "5 min mein shuru hai, jaldi aao", i filled my questionnaire and the next 75 minutes went flying with the test.

11:15

Me (happy) : Han bhaiyon. Kaisa raha?

KT n RDB were busy ogling girls. "Kya items hain yar. Life hai campus mein. Hamara college dekho, banjar veerana..."

Balls : Thuk gaya yar. Was late by 10 minutes. Screwed an entire section of AR.(KLPD 3)
Me: Kaise? Mera toh 10 baje shuru hua!
Balls : %$#%&%@^*(!

Rasto : Mast hua yar. AR (read Analytical Reasoning) kya hi faadu ayi thi. Programming bhi tough thi. Technical was also good. English mujhe aati nahi!
Me: To saale ghanta acha hua?
Balls (continuing) : %$#%*#@^*(!

After a food session at the canteen, GARORA (yes, the famous GARORA of the multibillion$ GoGarora Inc - we actually do fuck your brain!) calls me with an endless flurry of trademark questions and tells me to be at the Tata Crucible event, in which we had to participate together.

"SALLE aa raha hai yar nahin? Main aun? Nahana padega? Acha kab niklega? Jaldi nikal salle. Kitna time lagega? 1 baje tak aa jaega? Msg kar about ur confirmation. Kitni der mein karega? (click, call ended)"

I rushed back to my car, to be in Chandigarh by 1 PM for the event.
Tossing Balls his bag and helmet (getting to hear %$#^$@^*#% from him again!) i tell him to message me about the result, so that i can try n come for the interview if i'm selected.

Balls : what if u're not?
Me : In that case, you guys will have to ride back home in a bus!

More %$#%^@*!#& followed.

1:10 (back in chandigarh!)

1:15 (rendezvous with Garora, registration counter is crowded like peak time Mumbai local)

1:25 (Garora realizes he doesn't have his college ID and its required to get the answering sheet)

1:35 (head back to his place to get the ID)

2:10 (back at the venue)

The Registration counter is now empty like our 'brains' and everyone has disappeared inside the ballroom. Just then we happen to meet a registration guy who gives us the Answer sheet without even a look at our ID's.

US: "Bhaiya ID dekh to lo. Itni duur se 'laaye' hain!"(wtf?)

Guy: Arre yar event shuru ho gaya hai. You'll miss the questions. Jao. (KLPD 4)

As we rushed inside, all the seats had been occupied and we had to stand with a million other guys!

Luckliy, we got two seats, but unluckily, not enough answers to qualify for the stage finals!

Giving up all hope of returning to the interview now, (did i mention i was selected for the interview, along with Rasto, but Balls couldn't make it through), i could still imagine Balls with his %$#%$@^*#!^.

The Taj coffee and cookies made me happy somehow after the shitty day. Screwing with a tehnical interview for being at an event where we couldn't figure out almost any of the answer left me feeling dumber than ever.

Time was 5:20 PM

1 message received. Arasto.

"Dude aa sakta hai? i've talked to the guys here and they said u can still take ur interview. Be here by 6.15. Ok?

Reply >

"SURE. I'll try n be there."

I ran for the parking.

Location : Inside the car.

Time : 5.32 PM

Mode: Need For Speed. Burnout Revenge. F1 GP. Whatever, just get me on time!

I was at the wheel again, i knew the location and approx time needed , but traffic was the uncertain variable. Accounting for the facts, Zirakpur & Single laned Patiala highway, i calculated my limited options.

Not practical. But not impossible.
"Please God. A li'l help this one time."

Okay, now i may sound like a maniac in those fast paced automotive action movies, but i was literally in the shoes of Jason Statham (The Transporter guy sans the BMW and the hot chick always by the side or in the trunk or sometimes both!) n i revved it up.

Some of the details of the drive miss me right now, and most are blurred. I just remember...

A speedo that read 150.

Scores of trucks I overtook. (Ok Tata Fir Milenge!)

A bunch of jet planes I overflew. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee....

A sequence of swears(sound still travelled faster!)

Screeching tyres and unending honking.

Some dead dogs, a fallen biker, airy 'upskirts' and a dozen crazy cop cars chasing me down ~~(i like to think of it that way, although nothing of the sort actually occured!)~~

I was at Chitkara. Time 6:08 PM.
36 minutes for 35 kms. Not bad considering the peak hour rush.

Average Accidents : NIL.
Average people crushed : NIL.
Average Suicide Overtake Attempts : 14

In time for the interview, i was a celebrity who kept the panel waiting. Wow! Top of the world feeling.

Okay, cutting through the details (its getting long), I appeared for an interview with a sweet looking mam( i later came to know she screwed badly!). No more details of the interview. It went well except for the fact that it was an HR interview and i wanted Technical first.

KLPD 5 : No Technical Interview since I was rejected in the HR itself. No biggie! Not something i am proud of. But not something i was even ashamed for, bcoz NONE OF THE GUYS GOT THROUGH.

I guess the panel had something with the guys. Or maybe something for the girls. Anyway, everyone that went in after me got screwed (still wonder if i had anything to do with that!)

KLPD 6 : Big Deal was that RASTO flunked too(being a guy!). Man, why did you have to be a guy, why...why?

Ab Nanga nahaega kya aur nichodega kya?
Back to square one. Back where we started.

One guy with a dream to appear for a technical interview.

One guy with a dream to get a bigger package to dump.

One guy with a dream of helping others get selected.

One guy with a dream of getting a JOB.

One guy with a dream of getting a JOB ,and before that, the nightmare of getting a new College ID in the final Sem.

Added Damages: 500 bucks worth of petrol. 200 bucks of food. A cheap Nesco brand lock(more on that later!)

Embarassment : Unparallelled.
Experience : Unforgettable.
Pain : In the ass.
Moments : PRICELESS!

There are some things money cant buy.

For everything else, there's no remaining CASH..!

P.S. A good news about the Beer. It'll still flow, needless to say, out of Rasto's pocket, this time for not getting placed. Ruby Tuesday. Tomorrow at 4. Happy Hours,~~not everyone's invited~~!

MIRACLED

2009-11-28T00:52:00.000-08:00

A day of miracles..
Yup,that's what today was like for me. Well, not that i genuinely saw the world saved from Armageddon, it was a few small incidents that really made it seem miraculous.

To start off, just as i got up from my sleep, i received a text from someone i've been waiting to hear from, since like 6 months. Now what has that to do with a miracle?
Well, i almost certainly crushed my chances of talking again, and frankly i've been all whiny with God since the day. And yesterday was the summit. I guess lord finally had to give in. I still dont know what's it gonna be like again, though I hope it turns out well. Thanks almighty. Atleast it could cure some of my issues with life.

Next, I had the nicest 10 minute conversation with my Dad. It was great just standing under the sun, looking out of our balcony, seeing people and madness fly by, while we lazily sipped our brut and said nothing. We dont really get to spend the kind of Dad-Son moments we'd like together. And this was just amazing.

My buddy Rasto finally fell in love, and found his love as well. Now he's making hefty plans for "A NIGHT TO REMEMBER". Easy Boy!
Catch him at
http://arpitrastogi.blogspot.com/2009/11/kuch-kuch-hota-hai.html

There are more of them, like my PC which finally started running all by itself after a fortnight of endless boot-up refusals. And for the first time ever, i'm sharing a serious thought with people.

I guess one positive act straightens everything else up. Clearly, in my case, the text started a chain of positive events.

Well, its still a few hours to go before i call it a day, who knows i may be in for even more surprises if not miracles.

peAce

P.S. I almost forgot, I broke my 1 post per month rule. That does qualify for a miracle as well,right?

November Blues

2009-11-16T05:32:00.000-08:00

Alrite, time for the monthly post.
I was wondering what crap to key down this time, since i'm not keeping sane since the last few days.
So came up the term Loneliness Management. Now don't ask me why on earth did i pick this topic, i wont answer.
So guys (i don't think a gal ever visited my blog!) here are a few tips to keeping up with times when you don't feel like being with anyone:

1. Watch Movies(universal!)
2. Watch Porn(typical!)
3. Sleep 18 hours a day.
4. Plan about sleeping off the other 6 hours as well.
5. Eat any and every shit u find!
6. Don't work. It degrades you and makes you look tired. Save your FACE!
7. OK FINE. WORK but only during WORK-OUT's.
8. Switch off your cell. Chances are bright that you'd be tempted to talk to someone. But hey,on the even sunnier side, nobody else would be tempted to talk to you! Easy eh?
9. Ok, even if you are the super-critical "i shouldn't miss a call,it could be important,someone could be in danger of life" phoney, make sure you take the longest time possible off your cell.
10. Do i need to tell you the cell should be silent?
11. Eat MAGGI.
12. Eat another MAGGI.
13. Find a copy of Playboy. Go through it twice.
14. Scream out "SCREW YOU BITCHES" from the rooftop.
14a.If cops arrive,FLIP THEM OFF.
14b.If they don't,flip off your neighbors,they'll call the cops. Then flip them off.
15. Land in JAIL.
16. Watch Neil Nitin Mukesh strip naked.
17. Really? You wanna see Neil Nitin Mukesh nude? You pervert!
18. Get off my blog!
19. LEFT AS EXERCISE.

20. Oh,i just realized i can only count till 20. Got some elementary school issues!

BONUS. >>> WRITE A BLOG POST.

EDIT 1:
Take a DUMP. 30 mins of peace + an entire-day of joy! Courtesy : RastoGI

Congratulations, if you do these correctly, you'd have just earned yourself a free Diploma in 'FUCK THE WORLD SCIENCE'. N that proves you're a lonesome d*ck.

Since, you now have lots of time, make yourself a copy of the certificate you just earned the way you want,but just adhere to these basic guidelines :

a) Paper Size should be no more than 3 Toilet Paper Lengths BY 2 Toilet Paper Widths.
b) The top must read FUCK THE WORLD in BOLD.
c) Paint it BLUE.
d) Write whatever the fuck you want. No reservations.
e) Get it signed by the world's biggest loser you know. I mean SIGN IT YOURSELF.

CHEERS TO ALL THE DIX OUT THERE!
peAce

Fast-In Fast-Out...

2009-10-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I watched my rather easy going mom hush up work hastily for her Karwa Chauth fast, I was left wondering what drives women to keep themselves away from food and water for one whole day, and a little simple, only without food occasion on some other special days. Frankly, I don’t really believe in staying hungry (or for that matter, even remotely hungry) anytime (No, I’m not fat, BTW) for any purpose. So out of curiosity, I decided to try this little stunt myself. Now Hold On! Before you get ur mind drifting, lemme tell ya, IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE! Karwa Chauth happened to fall on the same day as my thought, or vice versa. I don't really understand "natural" coincidences sometimes.

So began a funny day, with my mom coming to know about my "VRAT" first thing in the morning. She was shellshocked (as expected!) and perhaps amused (trying to figure out a girl, maybe!) and intrinsically happy (hell, I dunno y!).

Everything was going well till 11, when my stomach made its first hunger call. Now maybe I missed a li'l detail on the D-Day eve that wasn't very encouraging. The womenfolk somehow get up at 3 in d morning when men are just about dreaming of anything and everything, and have a li'l respectable snack called "I DONT KNOW". So they find a small helping at midnite/midmorning and WE,THE MEN don’t know it! My bet is that my Dad wont know it as well (I hope!).

Where were we?

Yeah, basically I got screwed!

Anyway, I still decided to go ahead with my plan, since my f-ing mind said "DUDE,U'RE A MAN! Hell, why didn’t it remind me of that in the first place, that I shouldn't be fasting like women(dont get me wrong, I'm not a male chauvinist, I believe some things only women should do!)

Somehow I managed to keep myself busy till 3. Then came the distress call, which started a li'l zombie like FOODFOODFOODFOODFOOD and ended like the zombie dying of a gunshot...FOOFOoFoofoofofffuuuuuuu. . . BAM!!

Now let me tell u guys, sleeping can come in really handy when u're in the state of HUNGAR(Y). A li'l self containment exercise and food can be kept out dreams as well. Sad part is, I learnt this after I got up!

The clock read 5.45 when I rubbed my drowsy eyes. Crap! 3 more f-ing hours to food, if i'd be lucky to survive by then. By the time I got up, mom already had a lot of chores done n was preparing for some PUJA which she wanted me to sit in(since I was d newest "gal" of the house!). I wished I could catch some more sleep, but shit happens at the choicest of times. I realised I had to study for exams as well.

Then came the really funny part. Just as I was about to hit my books, dad came home early (Husbands are so sweet! though i'd say they aren't supposed to go to work for the day) and guess what, he bought tasty looking junk we weren't eating till dinner. Damn It! I said, how is one supposed to fast in such situations. So I dropped my perfectly bullshit plan, and went straight on to attack the stuff. I gorged on the dhoklas (dont imagine!) with such force I cleaned 'em up in a flash before my parents could even wonder what's going on. Believe me guys, the yellow yuck was never so tasty, n sexy! Strangely, I may have missed overhearing a conversation the day before, that some guests were to arrive in d evening and the stuff was supposedly for them. IGNORANCE IS BLISS, i said to myself, before I got up to get another set of "respectable dhoklas" as a replacement, out of my own pocket, fully CONTENT with my investment. . .

As I finish writing this, I’ve already had dinner(nice!) and dessert(bingo!) and got the three most important lessons in my life...

1. Hail the ladies!

2. Know the protocol perfectly before taking to such an exercise!

3. Never try this again, ever!

Though I may have not seen the fast through, it still counts as a 'fast' fast, rite??

Maybe i'd get better at it next year.

.

..

...

SLAP! Refer Rule 3...

2009-09-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Man At Work!